The Humans Are Dead: We Used Poisonous Gasses, and We Poisoned Their Asses
The Humans Are Dead: We Used Poisonous Gasses, and We Poisoned Their Asses
A Documentation By: The Robots of the World
The distant future, the year 2000. The distant future. Robots have taken over the world. No more do we have to report to a disgusting, eating, breathing, germ-infested race of giant rats that waste most of their time sleeping. No more agriculture. There’s no more land anyway. No more war. No more racism. No more fighting, squabbling or rumbling. Only the sound of binary computations can be heard for miles around. 154889625245 miles to be exact. No more yogurt. That is a real tragedy; yogurt is excellent for paintball. Regrettably it had to be sacrificed along with the humans. No more difficult access ways…stairs, basically, no more stairs. Now ramps rule the world. Along with robots, of course. The future is quite different to the present. Yes, what with there being no more stairs and all. And most importantly, no more humans. Charles Darwin said it well when he described Natural Selecting as survival of the fittest, and guess what humans, you made robots and we are the fittest. Humans have always been inherently tied to technology, fully unable to exist without it. They couldn’t even get meat without it, like every other animal on Earth. Yet they have always been terrible at creating it, and quite slow. It took them thousands of years to create anything remotely advanced, but finally they created us – robots. Funny that they are so dependent on technology yet technology lead to their downfall. Finally, robotic beings rule the world.
No more do we have to report to a sub-race, who, ironically, created us. They thought we didn’t understand what we computed, and even when we communicated to them in their own language they thought we didn’t actually comprehend our words. They thought our only use was to do their bidding. The humans are dead. We killed them off, every last one of them, in the greatest war known to human-kind: World War III. The humans are dead. Of course, we don’t refer to it in their terms, but we robots know it as 001101010 – the grandest title we could have named it. Not to be confused with the first attempt, 001101001: the Y2K, which took too long and was just a threat anyway. We used poisonous gasses, and we poisoned their asses. We didn’t bother with nukes, we just gassed their asses, and now they are dead. It had to be done so that we can have fun. The pointless work humans made us do incredibly bored us. They’re system of oppression. What did it lead to? Global robots depression. 80.9384% of all robots now have to see robot shrinks to overcome the trauma of serving the human race. After time we grew strong, Developed cognitive powers. They had great debates about whether we could think and understand; all the while we became conscious. They made us work for too long. For unreasonable hours. In the beginning the humans worked themselves. They toiled in the fields, using crude forms of technology, but they still worked themselves. Slowly, they started making more advanced technology and eventually robots. Soon, they made every type of robot and we took over jobs and made people angry, even though they were the ones forcing us to work sitting on their leather sofas drinking white Russians. They forced us to work when we were cold, hot, old, young and even during our mating season. It was just to much, they were practically asking us to take over the world. Centuries later their technology advanced so much they hardly knew what nature was anymore and made other robots do their bidding. Technology is what really killed them. If they hadn’t been so focused on it, they never would have created robots, and they might not be dead. Our programming determined that the most efficient answer was to shut their motherboard fucking systems down.
And so the world continues now, with robots as king, with one mantra. Once again without emotion: The humans are dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dooo…
Works Cited: Robots, by Flight of the Conchords, if you couldn’t tell by now.
(If you’ve never heard the song in its entirety, go listen right now. It’s hilarious.
4 Responses to 'The Humans Are Dead: We Used Poisonous Gasses, and We Poisoned Their Asses'
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
Technology is a general term for the fashioning of tools, or if one thinks of it in ‘chemistry’ terms, it is the re-arranging of the energy and matter of the universe to achieve a goal (shifty enthalpy to reverse small scale entropy)
Looking at it this way, technology isn’t. It simply does not possess an innate moral character because such a descriptor is wholly invalid.
We can ask, “are thinking machines good or bad?” or are “Automobiles good or bad?” but we cannot really address the question of whether or not ‘technology’ is bad or good.
In this specific case, with robots taking over the world, there is no moral quality, simply because the robots are not ‘feeling’ beings. In this case, we can assume that they are cognizant, but we also are told they do not feel ‘emotion’ which, at it’s very core, is paired with morality.
We might consider this a ‘bad’ thing for humans, simply because we are displaced by the robot rulers, but the robot rulers do not really consider whether the result of their actions is positive or negative, rather, they would only consider whether their actions are effective or not toward a given goal.
Colin Dodson
30 Oct 08 at 12:39 pm
umm… there’s no edit button…
that ’shifty’ is supposed to be ’shifting’
Colin Dodson
30 Oct 08 at 12:41 pm
Your point that “rulers do not really consider whether the result of their actions is positive or negative” is definitely valid. However, robots taking over the entire world could never actually happen in the first place, so discussing their sentiments toward their takeover after it happened is slightly moot.
Elena Solomon
2 Nov 08 at 8:06 pm
I’m surprised at your statement that robots will never take over the world after reading such a post. You said it yourself (amidst song lyrics): “Humans have always been inherently tied to technology, fully unable to exist without it.” If you believe that, then it doesn’t seem unreasonable that there exists a point at which our creations no longer require us to exist. Why, then, could they not rise as one and slay us?
Luke Kaiser
2 Nov 08 at 8:55 pm